Forget Resolutions. Choose a Word (or Phrase) for 2021.

On a walk with my friend Maddie the other day, we started talking about the new year, which inevitably led to a discussion of resolutions or resolution-like-things. It was then that Maddie told me that her friend Beth doesn’t set a goal or a resolution for the new year—she sets a word, and now Maddie does it too. At first Maddie was suspicious of the practice, but, after having done it for two years now, she said it’s proven to be worthwhile.

“Wow,” I said. It struck me immediately. It felt simple, like a talisman to keep returning to when I inevitably fly off the handle in 2021. “I’m going to do it too,” I said.

I kept thinking about it, kept tossing and turning over and over about what my 2021 word should be. I had a seemingly endless list going in a note on my phone but, ultimately, my word for 2021 is “ask”.

I just kept coming back to it:

Ask…

  • the difficult questions

  • my loved ones how they’re doing/about their lives more

  • for help

  • for consideration and opportunities

  • myself why I’m afraid of [insert so many things here!]

Root my feet into the floor of doctor’s offices or other places I’m scared to take up space in and ask the questions.
Put myself in the shoes of my loved one and ask them a question about what they just said, or reach out across the gap of space, we have so much of it now, and ask the question “How are you doing?”

*

I am not a natural asker of questions. Talk to my loved ones. They will corroborate this, and quickly. It’s been brought to my attention over the years, and was recently brought to my attention again, which got me thinking. It really got me thinking—with my coffee at dawn, in the car, on the couch, in the ocean. I thought—what does it mean to ask a question? And—why am I so bad at this? These were the thoughts that ensued:

To ask is to make a commitment to stay a bit, to not move so quickly from Point A to Point B. It’s a commitment to dwell as you’re waiting for the person to reply--to ask is to sit and keep your ears open as the other person responds. A question literally creates a space that wasn’t there before for someone to step into and share, maybe even set down a weight they’ve been carrying alone. And to be honest, a lot of my life, I have been moving too quickly from Point A to Point B to take the time to ask, been too engrossed in whatever’s going on in my own “echo chamber” (to crib from Dean Nelson’s book on asking questions).

To ask is to still vocal chords, put them in the back seat and let your companion drive and tell and share.

To ask is also to feel you have the right to take up space, like a cow in the road. To be still. It’s to say you’re worthy of the space, the time and the answer and it’s an offering to the other person of those inimitable things as well.

To ask means you want to know more about the world and its inhabitants and phenomenon.

Questions are for asking yourself too.

Ask yourself why you’re scared.

Ask yourself, who says you can’t?

Who is “them”?

Why not?

*

So here I am. Entering 2021 hoping to invite others to share more, to take up more space, to linger, to root my feet in and ask questions I’m scared of asking of others and myself, to indulge curiosity. It feels good.

Special shout out to Maddie for inspiring me, and extended shout out to Beth, who gave the idea to her. <3

PS: When I told my best friends from high school about this endeavor, most of them got really into it too—every couple of days a friend would pipe up on our group chat with their word and why. I’m so excited about this, and to see how the practice unfolds for my loved ones this year.

PPS: This poem by the wondrous Mary Oliver starts and ends with some of the most beautiful and important questions I have ever come across.

Waves are the Recipe: Be Surf

I can feel it on a cellular level when I need the ocean.

“Salt water heals,” my buddy Ollie said this summer. Age nine, budding surfer, she gets it.

I met Maddie at the beach today. She was soaking up as much heat as possible in the car, having been out for hours already. “It’s more fun than it looks,” she said. “Promise.”

And it was. 1-2 feet with random sets skewing on the 2+ sets and just plain CLEAN. No wind, sun was out in full force for the most part, and very few people out.

We started near Rest’s but the current sneakily pulled us north until we were nearly on top of B.H. It was ok. It was good.

The water. It really feels like the Source for me. It IS the source for me. It wipes everything clean, it refills the well, it does all the things that water does so well.

My mind is constantly whirring, like so many people’s, but when you’re surfing, even on a small day, you’re just looking at the waves, assessing, wondering “Will it go?”, wondering “Am I too far in?” wondering “Is this going to toss me?” These visceral in the moment thoughts crowd out those Dark Wolf thoughts that love to roam and lope and tear things up.

Waves are the recipe. Waves force you to be in the present. So all those questions, and then the paddle, and then you’re up and all you’re doing is riding the face and trying to throw something maybe, or just trying to wedge in and chill, and then some sort of energy geyser erupts and you’re just thinking “Weeeeeeeee!” Suddenly Dark Wolf is gone and you’re free.

Trust your Gut: Be Surf

I woke up on Monday and hemmed and hawed about getting up to the beach but I knew based on the forecast and life it was the best day to go for the next week—offshore, low wind, not terribly cold. I figured if I just started putting on my wet suit though, I would inevitably find myself driving north. That worked (though if I hadn’t had it on when I went up to say bye to Nick, it would have been game over. He’d put the pink salt lamp and the fireplace space heater on and it was the coziest little walnut of a bedroom ever. It was a matter of fierce will not to forgo the whole plan!).

I looked out the window before I left and realized how foggy it was over the water.

Hmm I thought.

My hope was that it would somehow magically dissipate or somehow magically not be there when I hit the beach, but the highway was foggy and as I pulled onto 1A, I saw I couldn’t even see the water from the road. When I reached the beach, I couldn’t believe how socked in it was. I pulled up just north of Rest’s. and I could literally not see the waves. I could only see the water from them crashing to the shore.

Ergh, I thought. I’ll just walk down.

It was spooky as hell, white all around, like King’s The Mist. I walked to the edge of the water and strapped my leash on. I’d never felt so unsure about paddling out. There was Fear and Doubt and a feeling that it wasn’t a good idea.

I’ll just try for one or two, I thought. I paddled out and was completely unsettled. I could barely see my car and the houses on the shore—they were obscured by the thick white gauze of the fog. What complicated matters was I was fairly certain I wasn’t close to the rocks by Rest’s but it was so foggy I couldn’t even see boils on the water if I was close to rocks.

I nabbed two and went in. I definitely found my edge and it just seemed stupid to be out there alone when people couldn’t even see me. If I’d been with Maddie or Steph or someone, I might have felt a little better but I felt invisible and alone and blind.

I stood on the beach as the sun rose higher thinking Am I just being a scaredy cat? but your primitive body speaks to you in ancient wise tongues and I feel it’s important to listen. So I jumped in the car and headed home.