Sunny Daze: On Confidence (Hint, It’s Missing)

I’d been wondering why my confidence felt so flimsy in the last few weeks—why I felt a little unsteady, tilted. There’s the obvious fact that my whole world is different with a small human to care for, who was cleaved from her little home (me) just 6 wks ago. But it dawned on me that the typical source of that feeling of confidence and power (running and surfing) have been on hold for me for months. This is partially science: Those endorphins I get from running surfing are gone and haven’t been replaced by anything else but it’s also part of my identity and my social community

As I approach the 6 weeks post partum mark, the one where I’m supposed to feel ready to start to jump back into those activities, I’m not feeling ready, which is both discouraging necessitates honoring that as well as making space for the need to be flexible.

For surfing, Maddie suggested trying out a belly board which would get me back in the water riding waves but I wouldn’t need to pop up (I would spare my abs that motion they might not be ready for.) For running, I’ve got an uber conservative return to run program sent to me by my friend McKenzie. Even the slightest hop tugs at my surgical site right now but I’m thinking I’ll give it a try. It will help me find the line and then I can go from there.

Logistics aside—this feeling of unsteadiness and hanging my head, feeling uncertainty—it confirms what I’ve intuitively known all along - confidence comes from competence, action is the antidote to despair. Sunny and I have fabulous walks and we’ve been checking the waves every day on long coastal drives but there’s no substitute for a good sweat and a good wave. And so I think the name of the game is mercy, flexibility and patience. 

Soon. Soon.