Sunny Daze: Dispatches from my Time w the Babe

from Friday 3/11:

These were the things on my to do list today w sunny:

Listne to a Record / Music

Read her a Book

Physical time (Massage): https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/benefits-of-infant-massage.aspx

I had grand plans that instead were usurped by an all day booby buffet, a million poops and haggardly trying to stuff a bit of lasagna and salad in my mouth.

I thought I would have no time having a newborn. It’s not quite that though — I do have time. I just don’t have time when I want it. Sunny fell asleep on me for two hours—that’s two hours of “free time,” except my computer was downstairs out of reach. But the thing is — that’s ok. It’s better than ok really.

I’ve been thinking a lot about attention after spending time reading Cal Newport’s various works as well as being in the middle of Jenny Odells How to Do Nothing and my big take away is this: How we spend our attention is how we spend our life.

And right now, I want my attention wholly focused on Sunny.

I never had the inclination to have children — it seemed fairly boring and it seemed to take you out of the running of the fun adventurous things in life, at least temporarily, while you were cooking the baby in your belly and after they were born a bit too. The idea of just hanging around, taking a baby for walks, singing to the baby, tummy time, etc etc — boring, boring, boring. The idea slowly began to appeal to me as I got older—it couldn’t be that EVERYONE was wrong or lying about the joys of having children—but even when Nick and I decided to sign up for the grand adventure of having kids with confidence that we would love them and raise them right, I still wondered how I would feel in the thick of it.

Then she arrived and arrested my attention with her beautiful curious eyes, her mouth like an amoeba changing shape all the time w her reactions, her ire when she’s hungry and her peace when she’s restful. And I suddenly understood.

I’m home for three months with her — already two weeks are gone — and all I want is to know that I was truly present with her. In fact, I want that to be the case for our whole lives together— that she has my attention, that I’m here. That given the choice between nursing her and giggling at her ridiculous goat cries or missing them because I’m texting, I can assure myself that I did the former.

There are currencies of value outside of money that are challenged every day: our attention, our focus, our energy, our time. To claim ownership of our attention and proactively manage where we aim it is practically THE act of resistance in our age. 

No, we can’t all just sit and watch Sunny all day long. There are showers to take, insurance companies to haggle with, crunches to do (…in a few months) but the pockets of time that are mine to give to her, I want to know I gave her the deepest attention I could. That I didn’t miss anything. 

These three months I have at home with her I just want to focus on being g present. Whether things are going well, whether she’s screaming like a banshee, I want to be here.