Sunny Daze: The Big Bad World

When Sunny was in my belly for a whopping 42 wks, I could make all the decisions for us. I drank decaf coffee, forewent the turkey subs, swore off sushi, stopped surfing for a few months and got the flu shot / booster / Tdap shot. I was able to control what was going into us for the most part, able to keep her safe in the little swimming pool from which she kicked and punched me most often at night when a black bean burger w fries was cramping her living quarters. 

Now, she’s two wks old, and she’s IN THE WORLD. 

The idea is frightening at fuck to me and as I bounced her around our house yesterday, I realized just how helpless I am to keep her safe. 

We are doing the basic things: keeping her appointments and vaccinations, breastfeeding, allowing her to sleep, getting her outside but it all feels like so very little when there are nuclear arsenals, anthrax and the common cold looming around every corner.

I guess we just can’t think about it too much, can’t let our minds drift there. 

But I look at her little eyes blinking up at me and hear her little coos as she’s suckling or sleeping and I realize how much power she has to break my heart. 

I’d never seen her outside of ultrasounds a mere three weeks ago and now I would do anything for her, feel a love that is terrifyingly potent for her, feel my throat and chest constrict when my mind bends and thinks of losing her.

Researcher Brene Brown discusses this in her book The Gifts of Imperfection. 

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1141160-fear-of-the-dark-i-ve-always-been-prone-to-worry

I don’t know the solution other than to devote myself to loving her, to savor every moment, dwell in gratitude for her and the time I have w her, and to bravely go forward.