Sunny Daze: Worrying Is Not Loving

In my house growing up, worrying was loving. My mother worried fastidiously, like worries were her daily rosary or her vespers.

Her principal worry was that I would get kidnapped but it extended to all manner of worries.

With Sunny, my first two months were filled, exhaustingly, with worries. Her neck, COVID, the lint between her toes, the litany was endless.

To worry non stop is to be in a constant state of fight or flight. You’re a walking lightning rod—the worries strike and you’re walking around like you’ve got a coatrack up your back.

It’s true what they say--that worry is the thief of joy. When I look down at our daughter and give in to all my anxieties, I can’t be present, can’t appreciate the beautiful smile she gives me or the happy cry that’s on the cusp of laughter.

I spoke with my best friend last week about what her core tenets are as a parent.

“I’m going to fail Sunny in my own unique way,” I fretted to her. “I wonder how.”

Her advice was sage. “If you stick to your core parenting principles and keep coming back to those, you’ll do right by her.”

I thought long and hard about what mine are and one of them is to make sure I’m modelling the behavior I want her to learn and prize. And of course, the next step was – well, if I’m modelling constant worry, what does that say about life? What does that say about my beliefs?

I used to tease my mom that she believed in a malevolent universe. “Come to my side!” I said. “Where we believe in a benevolent universe!” And it’s time to take my own advice.

No needle turns when we worry. Nothing productive happens, no ill fate is turned away. On my best days since becoming a mom, I know that all I can do is my very best to protect her, and nurture her, and accept that I can’t control everything, nor do I know how it’s all supposed to unfold.

If I want Sunny to be brave, and know she’s capable, and confident, those are exactly the behaviors and attitudes that I need to model myself.