goodatnothing

Right now, I feel like I’m failing at everything. This sounds incredibly dismal and dire but for the most part, I am only stricken by a lightning bolt of anxiety and despair 1-2x’s per day. Most of the other time, I’m swimming around and flailing and washing bottles by the sink or scribbling more to-do’s that I’ll forget in five minutes.

I’m not really sure what I do most days—seems like laundry gets done occasionally, I empty the Diaper Genie when it’s full 5 out of 6 times and my gas light has been on since Tuesday. It’s simply utter chaos and we’ll wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

If my brain were a shoebox, there would be no shoes in it. The place feels totally empty. I feel like the best example of the emptiness is this: I have no desire to read or forage for good books. Thank God Lisa and I walked into River Run today and she pointed to a book “This book is amazing” and so I bought it. That’s what I need. A best friend handler who shoves things into my hand and says “This is for you.” It would be fantastic for food, workouts, books, anything.

My other friend said Tired is your new friend. I was railing against that for a while. But what if I take a supplement? What if I eat really well? What if I go vegan, go pescatarian, go Atkins, go something. Can I evade Tired then?

Nope.

Tired crept into my shadow and we are Now One. I knew it would be this way but I didn’t know it would become the marrow of my bones. And you can’t run from the marrow.

Somehow, new parents are allowed to operate heavy machinery — drive cars and such — and sign legal documents. Doesn’t everyone know we are not of sound mind and our fine motor skills are toast?

Anyway, right now my finest skill is smiling at the baby and not losing my car keys, and perhaps that’s the best I can do right now. In fact, it is.